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My friend is wanting me to co-host my own shower

To start with let me say that I am a rather shy person, don't like being the center of attention, and have not had a party focused on me since grade school. I didn't even have a wedding shower.

When I got pregnant and got asked about a baby shower the first time it gave me such stress, till I was assured that the mother to be does not throw it and I have been having that as my mantra for whenever the stress comes up, that I can just leave it to my aunt who said as soon as I told her I was pregnant that she wanted to host it.

Then things changed. My friend (who has worked for my aunt in the past) called my aunt and left her a message saying she would like to help her with the shower. Then she got a message back from my aunt in which my aunt says she would love to help my friend with the shower. So now my friend is hosting the shower. I decided to stay out of that exchange aside from asking her if she really wanted to do it and let her know I wouldn't expect her to just because my aunt did that.

The dilemma I face now is that my friend has come to me as if we are co-hosting this, coming by to work out plans with me, talking about us shopping for plates, invitations, etc... basically all the things that are part of throwing a party. The last time I talked to her, her actual words were "We need to get together to plan this baby shower!"

So I find myself in the co-host seat, where I never wanted to be, am very uncomfortable with, even more so since everything I read says that I should not throw my own shower, that it is very tacky to do so and seems like I am asking for gifts.

I also feel that it would be rude to say to my friend though that I don't want to help her, especially since this was sort of thrust in her lap. It's not a want to not help, if it was anyone else's shower I would give all the help I could give and be thrilled about it, it just makes me very uncomfortable planning a party for myself.

I've given tiny hints, which made me feel rude actually, when she asks how I think things are supposed to be done I tell her I have no idea since I have never thrown one and that all I know is that the mother to be isn't supposed to do it.

So, when the host wants the mother to be to help host does that then negate the mother can't host her own shower rule? I can't find any rules that say what to do with this.

Any advice you could give would be most welcome.

Our Answer:

Hi there,

Thank you for your etiquette question. You are 100% correct in thinking that the mom-to-be is not supposed to plan her own baby shower. You are on the opposite side of most complaints I hear. A lot of new moms are so excited about the baby shower that they try to take over on the planning. They want everything perfect and feel that it cannot be perfect unless it is planned by them.

The baby shower is a gift from the hostess to the mom. She is responsible for all of the costs incurred with the baby shower including food, tableware, favors and games. When an overexcited mommy takes over, she often makes the budget go a little crazy.

It sounds like your friend wants the party to be perfect for you. That is why she wants your input on everything. If you are close enough friends that you can confide in her, go ahead and tell her the amount of stress the party is causing you. A good friend would not want to put you in that situation.

If there is any way for you to get your aunt back into helping with the shower, perhaps you can ask. I am not sure why she turned everything back onto your friend. But if your friend has a co-host to depend on, she would not be trying to get you to help with everything. If not your aunt, think of someone who is close enough to you that might be willing to co-host. Then give that name to your friend for her to ask.

As the mom-to-be, it is not your job to find her a co-host. But it will relieve a lot of pressure on you if you could give her a few names of people that might be willing to help.

I hope that helps. Good luck with the baby shower.

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